A moment in your shoes
From personal experience of being on both sides of the fence, both offering & needing support, I can empathise with the challenges each side faces.
Society, upbringing, education, and work environments provide limited education and training on effective support.
Our Western culture of nuclear families further exacerbates feelings of isolation, and overwhelm. Compounded by the stigma associated with asking for support, seeing this as a perceived weakness.
We're taught to put other's needs first; looking after ourselves can appear self-indulgent. Productivity, constant achieving, and 'doing/being better' are cultural norms.
Experiencing illness, loss of a loved one, or traumatic event, asks us to re-evaluate how to look after ourselves & each other more effectively.
Why is offering support not easy? Why is it sometimes hard to support someone going through a tough time? Some of the identifiers I've noticed are:
Honesty: Personally, there are times when I would rather a friend ‘show up’ than avoid, for fear they may say or do something wrong. Honesty can ease the pressure for both parties, i.e. ‘I don’t know what to say right now; I can only imagine how things are for you, and I’m here in whatever capacity I can be. This can help reduce isolation and offer some reassurance.
Often, we need someone to hear us validate our experience. Voicing our feelings out loud to another can take the pressure off ‘looping’ thoughts, help identify feelings, and offer alternative perspectives.
What Effective & Ineffective Listening Looks Like!
| Effective Listening | Ineffective Listening |
| Compassionate Listening - putting yourself in the other’s shoes | I know how you feel (assumption) Tell your story/problems Offer pity ‘oh your poor thing’ |
| Acknowledgment - listening & acknowledgement demonstrate we’ve heard (primarily voice tone, body language) | Appear distracted i.e. Look at our phone, watch. Reduced eye contact, change subject |
| Mirroring - Reflecting - using similar language to clarify we’ve heard & understood what the other person is saying/feeling | Fix, solution, problem solve Offer advise too soon - before we’ve reflected on what we’ve heard Downplay - things will get better Maybe you’re looking at things wrong/over-emotional |
Additional support tips!
Be clear about what you can offer
Honour what you say you’ll do
Measure expectations of when/how you're able to support