Unhealthy bragging is perhaps never more apparent than in social media. Imposing unrealistic ideas of what 'achieving' should look like, whether it's how much money we make, what clothes we wear, or how many likes a social media post receives. In many ways, social media has made life a bragging contest of epic proportions.
Technology has provided one of the most powerful tools to either build up or tear down in an instant. One embarrassing media post can destroy a reputation, relationship or career. No wonder we're exhausted and tired of constant comparison and perceived lack, and I must have/do/be more to feel worthy.
Bolstering our ego with touched-up/edited photos, witty social media responses and repertoires designed to impress. We create an illusory, inaccurate persona in wanting to be seen, but only on a good day.
This need to show our best side is not only unrealistic but also counterintuitive. It separates us from the connection we're seeking. Paradoxically, we experience less genuine, honest, and authentic connections with others.
Society conveys bragging as an unattractive quality, yet if we're honest, we've all succumbed to the temptation. I know I've bragged as a way to portray a particular image and feel more accepted or less inferior. It's an uncomfortable feeling and brings up, as Brene Brown so aptly describes, 'the shame gremlin'. It's one of those, ugly push-under-the-carpet feelings most of us would rather not admit.
To recognise bragging is an inescapable trait collective to us all is not only a relief but also a great comfort in knowing I'm not alone in this unattractive quality.
Q) So, why do we brag?
A) Usually as a way to present our 'best selves' to others. In the hope, we'll be respected, valued, liked and accepted. Paradoxically, bragging is a way to avoid feelings of inferiority, embarrassment, or shame. Bragging can therefore be seen as a defence mechanism or method of self-preservation.
Q) Why do we dislike unhealthy bragging?
A) It can smack of superiority and a lack of recognition for other's skills and attributes. On a subtler level, it can feel a little manipulative, perhaps insincere. Bragging can alienate us from others, rather than attracting the genuine connection we all desire.
Q) Where does humble bragging fit?
Humble bragging is a subtler form of garnering recognition, and acknowledgement, eliciting envy through playing down what others may perceive as a privileged position in highlighting a perceived negative. Almost a double brag, a lack of appreciation, gratitude and humility
Q) How does compassion work with bragging?
A) Understanding the root cause driving the need to project a superior exterior is key. Identifying ways to give ourselves genuine praise, dilutes the desire to seek recognition externally.
Discovering what situations trigger a 'brag' response actually reduces the likelihood of it happening. Awareness replaces the 'bragging gremlin' with two questions:
1) What is causing me not to feel 'good enough' right now?
2) What do I need to do or say to me, that quashes the 'bragging gremlin'?
Q) What does healthy bragging look like?
Perhaps this is an oxymoron, but we're taught from an early age to seek validation outside of ourselves, whether it is good grades or a promotion at work. Yet singing our praises in these achievements can appear egotistical.
It is natural to want to celebrate our achievements, but how and with whom we share these highs is key
How? Keep it simple, state facts, and balance with tough times getting there
Who? A trusted friend who shares similar values in appreciation of celebrating achievements
As we begin to develop awareness of the bragging triggers and replace these with compassionate understanding. We learn to give ourselves the praise we're seeking externally.
"Those who know do not say. Those who say do not know"
The Tao Te Ching
The quote from The Tao Te Ching can be interpreted in many ways. As we begin to acknowledge our internal beauty, the need to espouse our value or achievements externally falls away.
I'd love to hear your views - How to recognise the difference between acknowledging our values & achievements and bragging about them?
The upcoming post will explore your bragging triggers & getting to the root cause.